This year seems to have been one of loss and struggling through the mess and the aftermath. There have been many things over the past several months, some shocking and others mundane, but all full of letting go, cleaning up, and moving on.
This has been a year of …
- Major loss of hours at work.
- Loss of friends.
- Breakdown of a relationship.
- Breaking down of cars, appliances, plumbing, etc.
- Disappearance and (possible) death of a cat we fed and cared for.
Some problems, of course, came with easy–if not inexpensive–fixes. However, others left only questions.
I have prayed, seeking guidance and answers from God. So far, no answers have come.
What do we do when life continues in the muddle of brokenness and unfulfilled desires and questions and worries and pain?
Today I baked cinnamon cookies.
It was a small little goal that was easily finished on a busy day. Cleaning up the stray crumbs after bringing the first batch out of the oven, I thought about the blessings that remained even after everything.
There’s only one question now.
What will I do if my prayers aren’t answered and the miracles don’t come?
Reading Kaitlyn Bouchillon’s upcoming book, Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between, I am encountering some confirmation of my feelings at this moment:
“He may answer our questions, but even if not we have the Answer above all answers. And the truth is, even when we don’t have all the answers we so long for, we don’t actually need to know the future. We just need to trust the One who authors it into being.”
Sometimes it takes a bunch of heartache and pain and worry that just continues and continues and continues to bring you to your knees.
And if the answers don’t come? Or the changes we desire? Or the blessings and miracles and dreams?
Can we still praise God and say that Jesus is enough?
Drinking some afternoon coffee and eating one of my homemade cookies, I can finally smile a little and say, “Yes.” I will trust Him and praise Him, even in the middle of my mess and even if those answers never come.