In the Middle of the Mess

Middle of the Mess

I had hoped that the end of my cancer treatment would bring renewal into my life, that of both my life and my marriage. Instead the opposite is true. My life continues to fall apart, bit by bit.

When dreams are crushed and suffering is long, it can be tempting to wonder “why” all of this is happening. Too, it is very easy to lash out at my soon-to-be-ex husband, pushing my hurt and anger onto him in that moment. But it doesn’t make things better.

The hurt and anger and heartbreak and anguish don’t go away by unleashing my inner “mean girl.” Instead it only starts the cycle of crazy once again.

As Erwin McManus says in The Last Arrow,

“Sometimes your geography doesn’t change at all, but the journey is still long and hard….Having the courage to live a life of honor and integrity may be the greatest battle you will ever face.”

Divorce is hard. There is nothing good or positive or normal about this situation. Add into that still recovering from my latest surgery and cancer treatment…life just seems impossible at this point.

And living a life of faith and honor? Each day I pray for the strength to make it through just that next moment, the courage to face my challenges, and an extra measure of love to extend to others. All too often I fail. But I get up and brush myself off, pray a bit more, and try again.

Life is just really, really hard at the moment. Could you please pray for me that I am able to live a life of faith, honor, and integrity, even in the middle of this mess?

Moving on . . . to Gratitude

Original Photo by tangle_eye on
Original Photo by tangle_eye on

Sometimes, you just gotta move on…

either from friends or a situation. This time is just one of those times for me. The situation had become unhealthy and simply wasn’t worth the effort. After months of stress and concern, it was time to leave.

The situation and the people involved don’t deserve the effort of further discussion, and so I’ll move on to gratitude. Yes, as I’ve gotten older, I realize more and more just how important gratitude really is. All too often, I have not truly appreciated my blessings until they were gone. I have been blessed with so many positive people and situations, and I will admit that at the time I was too caught up in my own preoccupations and problems to really stop and understand just how much of a blessing they were in my life.

Well, no more. I’m moving on…leaving a bad situation and moving on to gratitude. Now, I’ll admit that my choice leaves me and my family in a bit of a precarious situation, but we have each other. And I feel a stress has been relieved from my life.

So today I woke up and thanked God for this day. I snuggled with my honey and realized just how blessed I am to have him in my life. I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but it’s got to be better than the past few months.

And that’s something to look forward to.