In the Middle of the Mess

Middle of the Mess

I had hoped that the end of my cancer treatment would bring renewal into my life, that of both my life and my marriage. Instead the opposite is true. My life continues to fall apart, bit by bit.

When dreams are crushed and suffering is long, it can be tempting to wonder “why” all of this is happening. Too, it is very easy to lash out at my soon-to-be-ex husband, pushing my hurt and anger onto him in that moment. But it doesn’t make things better.

The hurt and anger and heartbreak and anguish don’t go away by unleashing my inner “mean girl.” Instead it only starts the cycle of crazy once again.

As Erwin McManus says in The Last Arrow,

“Sometimes your geography doesn’t change at all, but the journey is still long and hard….Having the courage to live a life of honor and integrity may be the greatest battle you will ever face.”

Divorce is hard. There is nothing good or positive or normal about this situation. Add into that still recovering from my latest surgery and cancer treatment…life just seems impossible at this point.

And living a life of faith and honor? Each day I pray for the strength to make it through just that next moment, the courage to face my challenges, and an extra measure of love to extend to others. All too often I fail. But I get up and brush myself off, pray a bit more, and try again.

Life is just really, really hard at the moment. Could you please pray for me that I am able to live a life of faith, honor, and integrity, even in the middle of this mess?

Continuing On Despite It All

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Photo by wenx on Morguefile.com

This year seems to have been one of loss and struggling through the mess and the aftermath. There have been many things over the past several months, some shocking and others mundane, but all full of letting go, cleaning up, and moving on.

This has been a year of …

  • Major loss of hours at work.
  • Loss of friends.
  • Breakdown of a relationship.
  • Breaking down of cars, appliances, plumbing, etc.
  • Disappearance and (possible) death of a cat we fed and cared for.

Some problems, of course, came with easy–if not inexpensive–fixes. However, others left only questions.

I have prayed, seeking guidance and answers from God. So far, no answers have come.

What do we do when life continues in the muddle of brokenness and unfulfilled desires and questions and worries and pain?

Today I baked cinnamon cookies.

It was a small little goal that was easily finished on a busy day. Cleaning up the stray crumbs after bringing the first batch out of the oven, I thought about the blessings that remained even after everything.

There’s only one question now.

What will I do if my prayers aren’t answered and the miracles don’t come?

Reading Kaitlyn Bouchillon’s upcoming book, Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between, I am encountering some confirmation of my feelings at this moment:

“He may answer our questions, but even if not we have the Answer above all answers. And the truth is, even when we don’t have all the answers we so long for, we don’t actually need to know the future. We just need to trust the One who authors it into being.”

Yes.

Sometimes it takes a bunch of heartache and pain and worry that just continues and continues and continues to bring you to your knees.

And if the answers don’t come? Or the changes we desire? Or the blessings and miracles and dreams?

Can we still praise God and say that Jesus is enough?

Drinking some afternoon coffee and eating one of my homemade cookies, I can finally smile a little and say, “Yes.” I will trust Him and praise Him, even in the middle of my mess and even if those answers never come.

 

 

 

Lord, Hear My Prayer

Original Photo by  taliesin on Morguefile.com
Original Photo by taliesin on Morguefile.com

As our country—and possibly, the world—edges closer to war, I must admit that I am finding it difficult to find the words to discuss everyday matters or reflect on the past. News-induced writer’s block, so to speak. Fear of the future seems everywhere now.

I think the only thing that I can do right now is pray.

Today I pray for the security of Israel. Lord, hear my prayer.

Today I pray for the persecuted Christians in the Middle East and elsewhere. Lord, hear my prayer.

Today I pray for those who daily suffer and die in Syria and elsewhere. Lord, hear my prayer.

Today I pray for the wisdom of our leaders as they decide on entering a possible worldwide confrontation. Lord, hear my prayer.