Not all who wander are lost.
I’ve seen this phrase posted everywhere online, whether it is Facebook, a message board, or even in Second Life. It seems to resonate with everyone from wannabe hipsters to aging hippies.
For the past month or so, I’ve been wandering in my own spiritual desert, and honestly, I have been lost. I’ve quit praying or reading scripture. Everything–including me–seems dried up like the leaves that litter our front lawn.
Now in this in-between time of treatment, I’m finding it even harder to make it day by day. The structure of my weeks–once taken up by chemo and meds and doctor visits and everything–has disappeared suddenly, leaving me feeling oddly empty. Because the waiting for what comes next is sometimes harder than fighting.
Especially when you’re already wandering in your mind and heart. Days keep passing, but that oasis of spiritual clarity remains a mirage.
And now it is almost Thanksgiving. I see my friends’ Facebook posts about the upcoming holiday feast and wonder about taking my seat at the table this year. Tomorrow will be a day of food and family and noise and gratitude.
Do I feel grateful?
My mind says yes, but my feelings are lagging behind. And celebrating this year? I truly don’t know if I can belly up to the table full of trimmings and smile with the others. This holiday of waiting will be followed by a Christmas-time where I will be recovering from surgery. My life has been up-ended, and it still lies teetering on the edge of normality.
So what is a wandering fool supposed to do in this happy time of the year? Maybe search for those bits of life to be grateful for?
There have been blessings along the way. Here are just a few of them:
- The Underbelly published one of my blog posts as an article on their website. I’m so incredibly honored that this amazing group of ladies chose to include my writing on their site.
- I received a Compassion Bag from Compassion That Compels, a great organization that faithfully serves cancer patients.
- The two kittens that we rescued on a hot summer night right as my life was beginning to go topsy-turvy continue to liven up our household. The smaller one is quite a “scrapper” and loves to get into trouble. And the larger one, the kitten with the gloriously fluffy bottom, enjoys tummy rubs and food.
I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow about life and cancer and whatnot. Perhaps my wandering will have ended and a rush of happiness and peace will take its place.
Perhaps…or maybe the wandering is something that is needed. That maybe when I get so down and dirty and just plain tired, I’ll look to the only One who can end my dusty days.
Despite my current feelings about the holiday, I hope all of my American friends have a great Thanksgiving tomorrow. I’ll leave you with another picture of my fluffy, lovable, huggable kitty.